I can text with my tongue
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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