If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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