we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
