i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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