i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
