I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
