Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
