i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Sober January is a disaster.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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