sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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