so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
