Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
