I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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