I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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