first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
