im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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