Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Randomize
