Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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