babies were throwing up all over the place
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
