Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
