Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She bit a glass in half.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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