plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
