watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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