Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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