I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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