i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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