I have demons in me.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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