WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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