What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
