I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
