She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
