You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
