Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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