Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
