If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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