I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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