My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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