We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
