there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
