my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
