On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
