I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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