Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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