you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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