The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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