my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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