The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
