Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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