it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
