I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
