I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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