i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
